While the word "cool" and "internet" seemingly contradict each other, I can assure you that...look, just  shut the hell up and listen:

1. NEVER LIKE ANYTHING

That's the most important rule. You can never like anything. Everything sucks. COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING. There are no good points, only bad points. You get a free hamburger? WOW THANKS A LOT, IT'S LOADED WITH FAT AND YOU KILLED AN ANIMAL JUST FOR IT, FUCK YOU!  
Do you know what happens when you like something? You give other people a chance to ridicule you, and that's YOUR job.
How can something be good enough for you?
What can a person do to make you happy?
NOTHING.

Never forget that these things all suck:

- All bands	-All movies	-All restaurant chains	-All tv shows
-All cars	-All clothes	-All trends	-All accessories
-Lists	-Everyone but you	-Books	-Countries
-Politicians	-School	-Work	-Vacation
-Vegetables	-People's ideas	- Everything else

2. ONLY LIKE STUPID THINGS AND FOR STUPID REASONS

"But I thought you said.." SHUT UP!
If you're going to like anything, you have to do so for one of these two reasons:

- It's badass: ( ex: aliens, Rammstein, uppercuts, chainsaws, failure of people richer than you, etc. )



- You totally know it's stupid but you "just like it" ( ex: anything from Japan, the 80's or Xena. Man I love that show. I mean... what a piece of shit... yeah...)




You'll never get into arguments about the first category, everyone loves chainsaws and thunder, but you'll surely become the target of ridicule at some point for wearing that InuYasha t-shirt. Just pretend you bought it AS A JOKE. Just say "yeah I watch the show some times, I just thought it would be really funny". Doing things that no one in their right mind would do is NON-CONFORMIST, and in the good way, not in the bad way like goths and being 20 pounds too fat to expose your bellybutton in public.



Note that some things may overlap, for instance a belt shaped like a Nintendo controller. Everyone knows it's badass, but no one in their right mind would wear it. Just remember that you have the balls to hold up your pants with nostalgia while they shuffle about in their slave-made running shoes.


3. SPEAK ONLY WITH MYSTERIOUS SARCASTIC REMARKS

Face it, you don't want anyone to know what you really think. The only thing you want people to know is that you don't think like them. Also when people ask if you'd like to do anything, reply with "I'd rather ( insert comical exageration involving self-mutilation ) than do that thing!!!"

Example:
dipshit: "Hey do you want to go see Spider-Man 3 this weekend?
you: "I'd rather jam a phone pole into my ass than watch that movie!"

And then go anyways, but remember to say how the movie sucked balls after.

Always knock people's suggestions with sarcasm. Always. It won't reveal what YOU think should be done, but it sure as hell will rain on their parade! Also don't ever say "rain on their parade".

Example:
fool: "Hey I think piracy is awesome, more people should steal music and movies!"
you: "Yeah that's fucking great, jerk, maybe we should just go and kill all the pop stars right now since you're so willing to deprive them of their only source of revenue, shithead!".

See what I did there? Of course we should kill all the pop stars anyways. I'm so awesome I can't even leave my own examples alone, I have to make sarcastic in-jokes within them! Remember: I'm that cool. Don't ever be serious, because that leads to success and then that leads to failure because once you're all the way up, the only way to go is down. But you've had to climb all the way up like some dipshit. Think about it, everyone is walking a straight path but some people feel the need to climb a huge mountain in the middle instead of just using the dark tunnel that runs under it. For miles. So many miles.
Haha morons.

4. IGNORE PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE THEY WILL CHECK SOURCES

If you're ever into an argument with anyone, which shouldn't been too hard given that you should hate everything, just be sure to never fight against someone who will go out of their way to find sources. You can't fight actual facts with only insults. If you're always  complaining about everything, its obvious that at some point you'll bash two opposite viewpoints. That's when you try to bury the other person under sarcasm and insults. If they fight back the same way you do, then you win, because only an idiot would debate solely with insults!
But if they don't make too many spelling mistakes and seem like they have finished high school with something above a B-, then GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!
They're not good enough for you anyways.

5. MAKE STUPID WEB PAGES THAT NO ONE READS.

If someone reads it, then you're cool, and if no one reads it, no one will know you're not cool! And actually go through the effort of making your own page. Fuck blogs. I miss 1995 internet, when everyone had a 56k modem AT BEST and putting your font in bold made your bandwith bill spike by 50%. Not that I had a web page since I didn't get a computer until like 1998.